Spring Fling: Now Accepting Applications

You’ve all noticed that the sun has come out to play, right*? Well sod it, so have I. Last Friday, I went on a charity double date – Wait, what? Next post, I promise – and since then, I have been thinking… ”Yeah, I could do this. Moreover, I would enjoy doing this… Screw it, I’m doing this!” I was struck by something blogger Bangs and a Bun said on Twitter recently, after she got a call from Idris Elba. ”Sometimes,” she said, “you have to Field of Dreams things into existence.” So, um yeah. Consider this a formal notice: YorubaGirl is now accepting applications. If you build it, he will come.

Co-blogger Alex L has just started an excellent project, called I’m Not Looking. I’m recommending that you read the blog of her experiences, not just because I know her, and not just because the cackle-to-paragraph ratio is pleasingly high, but also because her enterprise seems to be the very antithesis of what I’m doing. You see, Alex is going for a year of categorically “Not Looking”. This is based on that old chestnut that friends and family offer when you tell them, “No, actually. I’m not seeing anyone at the moment.” This is the point at which they do the sympathetic head-tilt and say, unconvincingly, “It’ll happen when you’re not looking, you’ll see.” Most of these people are clearly not Nigerian, who will say to your face: “What are you waiting for? If you want it, you better go out and get it.” I respect Alex’s dedication, and will be checking in with her to see how she gets along. You should too.

Well, as long as you like Frasier, Michael Chabon books, tea, changeable hair, Nat King Cole, graphic novels, insomniac women...

So, back in the Land of the Looking, let me lay down (heh) what I’m looking for:

  • Good teeth, good hair, clean nails; hey, if I’m pulling my weight and bringing the good stuff to the party, he should too.
  •  An appreciation of good comedy and a properly wicked sense of humour. Let me elaborate: Frasier, Eastbound and Down, Richard Pryor, Dave Chapelle… I have a full list, and I’m happy to share it.
  • The ability to make a good cuppa. I get stabby when it’s done wrong.
  • A feminist – or at least, non-misogynist – outlook.

And here’s what I am not looking for:

  • LOLspeakers/TxtSpeakers/unable-to-spell-or-punctuate fools.
  • A telly addict. I got this – find your own thing!
  • An idiot. It seems obvious… But really. NO. IDIOTS.

As you can see, I am a woman of simple-ish tastes. If you’ve got some great guy tucked away somewhere, then… wait. What’s wrong with him? Anyway, below is a handy little cut-out-and-keep guide for what I’m looking for. Forgive me, poetry gods, for I butchered a great.  It’s Emma Lazarus’ most famous sonnet, The New Colossus, paraphrased shoddily:

Give me your handsome, your evolved,
Your towering hunks yearning to converse wittily,
The magnificent prizes of your teeming shore.
Send these, the intelligent, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp(wink wink) beside the golden door!”

And they say poetry is dead.

 

*For non-British dwellers The British Sun™ is notoriously kooky on these shores and very, very whimsical. See you in the park in shorts and flip flops; I’ll bring the frisbee!

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8 Comments

  1. Posted March 4, 2010 at 12:44 am | Permalink

    I love it! Happy hunting dear. I will have to live vicariously through your dating exploits as funnily enough Jan 1st was the start of my “No men, No dating, No hassle” regime. I’m on a man fast and actively abstaining, lol. 3 months and counting right now and still going strong. I can’t wait for the upcoming blog posts. It’s like readingmy very own Naija-British Carrie Bradshaw (with equaly riveting outfits) :-D.

  2. Adriana
    Posted March 4, 2010 at 7:00 am | Permalink

    You’re so fussy. What I really look for in a man is a nodding acquaintance with soap and a steady pulse. Anything else is just setting myself up for disappointment.

    But if I had a willy, I’d lewdly proposition you in a heartbeat, YGD. You’re a catch, girl. Brilliance AND beauty don’t come along very often, but by god, you have both by the bucket-full. Also: fucking amazing hair.

  3. Posted March 4, 2010 at 8:11 am | Permalink

    You missed quite the slagging off of dating prospects at Bring it Scone (while the smug coupled ones did, to their credit, their best not to be too smug).

    I just want someone to read comic books with on the couch on grey sunday afternoons with. Is that SO much to ask? (Oh, and not being ashamed to be seen with me in public – bonus).

  4. James
    Posted March 4, 2010 at 10:59 am | Permalink

    Text is just not an appropriate media for my response to this post.

  5. nikky
    Posted March 4, 2010 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    I have given up on finding men who fit my criteria of:

    *not being actually dangerous
    *not able to quote whole passages of American Psycho
    *not looking for an alibi
    *not opposed to short hair
    *interested enough to actually spend time with me without pain of death

    Just when I think I can’t set my standards lower, I am amazed all over again. I look forward to getting some tips from your own search…

  6. O
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    Love it!!!

    Laughed my head off!!! Equally funny comments.

    Care to spread your wings across the pond? I’ve got the perfect Canadian guy for you.

    He sends fully punctuated texts, doesn’t own a tv and is only an idiot on Tuesdays, when he sets trees on fire … Apparently that’s what they do up in the country (Saskatchewan) for fun!!!

  7. YorubaGirl
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    @Keji: Thanks for the compliment m’dear. Although I think there’s a multi-thousand-dollar difference between my wardrobe and Carrie’s. Still, “I couldn’t help but wonder…” Good luck with your resolution.
    @Adriana: If you had a willy, I would be on you like white on rice. No word of a lie. Also, *flushes with pleasure at the compliment*
    @Margo: It’s like you’re in my head. I just want a *normal* person. Who’s not ashamed to be seen with me in public. Am I asking too much?
    @James: As long as it’s well punctuated, I’ll take it however I can get it! ;-)
    @nikky: Nothing made me laugh louder than “not looking for an alibi”. It’s funny cos it’s true…
    @O: Send. Him. Over. He sounds like a catch – what’s a little tree burning every now and then?!

  8. Natalie
    Posted March 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    The first thing on your priority list is good teeth? Really? Now I’m not saying you should ever accept a boy that comes with a mouthful of really god-awful teeth, but surely average teeth are acceptable?

    Anyway, askew priorities aside, I agree with the previous comments that you are undoubtedly an all-out amazing catch and I fully expect whoever you end up with to be kissing your feet in gratitude and awe of your amazingness every single day.

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