I can’t believe someone got paid actual legal tender, i.e. money – and not, you know, potatoes – for this piece I spotted over on Yahoo! earlier today. When I saw the title – 10 surprising signs that they’re interested - my left eye began to twitch; a sign akin to Peter Parker’s spidey senses tingling. By the time I’d finished reading these mysterious signs, my brain had exploded onto my keyboard, leaving behind brain goo, which would you believe, was the exact same shade as the nauseating pink the headline was written in.
Let’s start, in the style of Maria von Trapp, at the very beginning, as it is after all, the very best place to start. Apologies if this slips into heteronormative hell sometimes. Here are the ‘surprise’ 10:
- They don’t talk to you. Oh my god, this is so totes true! Because I’ve found that when someone fancies me (it happens… happened once… shut up!) they’re totally struck dumb. I thought I was unique – sadly this article has burst my bubble.
- They tease you. Another insightful point. I think I actually passed out when I read: “If someone you fancy teases you, don’t give them a slap; give them your phone number.” I sincerely hope you’re writing this down, learners.
- They hide from you. Ooh, is this some sort of metaphor? Wait, what? You mean actual hide and seek? Boy, bye.
- They don’t seem to remember you. This is expanded to include the following heart stopping sentences: They want you to think that they’re far too busy and popular to recall it. In fact, the memory is etched onto their brain and lived out in filthy fantasies every single night. Is it just me, or did anyone else picture a chilling Crimewatch reconstruction starring a shadowy, e-fit type person? Just me? Didn’t think so.
- They suggest spliting the bill on your first date. I thought this was a basic tenet of first dates – you go Dutch because it’s fair and polite. It is not designed to emasculate men, and by that same token guys; insisting repeatedly may get you labelled as a sexist douche, ‘k?
- They push back their shoulders when they see you. It says here that women arch their backs and men puff out their chests. ‘Cause, you know, MEN LIKE BOOBS and WOMEN LIKE… PECS?
- They flirt with your friend. One word: DOUCHECANOE.
- Their friend flirts with you. Five six words: DOUCHECANOE HAS DOUCHECANOE AS FRIENDS. SURPRISE!
- They babble nonsense at you. *Sputters*
- They ring you up to moan about a terrible date. *Head explodes*
I… I… can’t.
Look, I know I’m hardly one to talk, seeing as I suck at flirting and my last date was a charity double date, but really? This is how lame and ridiculous stereotypes get circulated and then trotted out every single time someone writes a ‘relationships’ feature. Enh, I don’t know, but it really gets on my tits. It’s like when Cosmo does one of those “What guys really think!” or “Men – if only we knew what was on their minds” features and it always ends up with siliness like, “I love my girlfriend without make up” or “Ugh, I hate skinny women!” right before they pick out a fully made up size zero woman* as their ideal. Makes my teeth itch.
Right. Rant over, I’m off to finish cleaning the more stubborn brain stains on my desk. Remember to arch your backs, people!
*No offence to you über-made up size zero ladies out there