Long week? Still recovering from the loss of the Olympics? Well, there are two things to brighten things up your sad post-Games face. First, never fear – the Paralympics are almost here! Secondly, the football season’s back tomorrow! Also, in our increasingly secular age, I am pleased to be able to extend you a tradition that brings joy and succour to so many – it’s The Friday Pretty! This week’s entry (heh) is an ode to some of the more beautiful elements of the beautiful game of football. Sport is one thing we can be thankful to the Greeks for. Those bearded dudes knew that a toned physique and increased jumping ability would increase the hotness quotient by a factor of a million. And that, not arithmetic or geometry or their complex and quite frankly rapey mythology is their true legacy. Nice one, ancient Greeks. Let us begin.
This edition begins with a former Arsenal captain, a man so cute, so gorgeous, he made TFP wish it hadn’t pledged allegiance to West Ham at a stupidly young age. It’s lovely Spaniard and all round hottie, Cesc Fabregas. Ah, he’s lovely. Like a less hirsute and younger, equally-but-differently-hot Mark Ruffalo. Plus European, innit.
Next up, Tottenham manager Andre Villas Boas. This dude should run classes for British men on how the hell to dress. There is his, pacing urgently, near the dugout, looking resplendent in his tailored suit, ginger hair and beard (hnnngghh!) glinting in the twilight. Also, have you seen him wear a trench coat?! Sweet Moses. What is in that Portuguese water? First Mourinho, now AVB? We can’t take it, Portugal!
Welcome to England, new Arsenal signing, Olivier Giroud! Over here, we like boys who look a bit like skinny French versions of Psych star, James Roday. Also, on Thursdays, we either wear pink,or go shirtless. Just FYI.
We also extend the red carpet of welcome to Brasil’s Givanildo Vieira de Souza, better known as Hulk. The new Chelsea man got his nickname from his dad who was a fan of the 70s/80s show (thanks, Dad). No matter, TFP probably wouldn’t mind seeing Hulk in his tiny purple pants of destiny. Or something. TFP adores a powerfully built man who knows how to wear the heck out of a scarf. And Brasilian? SWOON.
Just two more now, for old times’ sake. First, Freddie Ljunberg. There is nothing more to said on this case, except: “Yo, Freddie! Congratulations on your face!” For a minute, he made balding white dudes look good. SALUTE.
And of course, it’s only fitting we end on David Beckham, the man whose appearance at the Olympics Opening Ceremony somehow managed to upstage a parachuting monarch alongside a fictional spy. David Beckham is that dude. Look, he even made people cry in his adorable way (he looks like he gives good hugs, too). TFP has come to realise it will probably fancy DB until the end of time. And it’s okay with that, actually.
Alright, piss off. See you next time, pervs!